After two sessions on Dating, hopefully we are clear on why dating is not the best option. If not, how do one go about finding the right person? What are the do's and don't in the process?
what do you think? Do you have any advice? Maybe questions? Whatever it is - can you comment on it. That'll help me see your viewpoint or your questions.
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Dating - obviously is not an option for believers but how do you not get tangled between courtship & dating?
ReplyDeleteGood question. There are some things which are similar in dating and courtship but there are some essential differences too. There is no clear cut definition of dating and courtship. Some might be dating and call it courtship and vice verse.
ReplyDelete1. There is involvement of parents and spiritual leaders in the courtship process.
2. Courtship is very specifically geared towards commitment whereas Dating typically does not have commitment as the core principle.
3. Courtship calls for physical, and emotional intimacy to wait until marriage. Dating does not have such safeguard.
I'm still unclear about how courtship works. Is it like an arranged marriage except for the fact that the people wanting to get married make that decision? Like, the two people have to talk to each other's parents and also with spiritual leaders so that a wedding is arranged. How do they go about making this decision if they are not close with each other? Can courtship lead to physical and emotional intimacy outside of marriage?
ReplyDeleteCourtship is not marriage. Courtship is the process through which you find out if the other person is the one you should be married to and also the process through which you prepare once a decision for commitment is made. In other words, courtship does not always end up in commitment or marriage. During the courtship process, one spends time with the other, knowing and discussing various aspects and building a friendship with the consideration of making it more than that. The key word in all this "commitment" - one is not looking for light relationships.
ReplyDeleteFirst naturally the two people somehow know each in a group setting and like each other or maybe atleast one person likes the other. Now, the next step is one or both want to spend more time with each other and consider if they are want this relationship to be "special". At this time, they express they liking to the parents and/or leaders for some guidance. Typically, friends are the first stop and we discuss our liking and they help clarify our motives and feelings. By reaching out to a spiritual leader, he/she can help evaluate if the liking is for the right reasons. Next, would be to continue praying and knowing each other a little more(in a group setting). Now, once you decide you want to spend time one on one to know more about each other, that's when the church leaders and parents are involved. If I was the boy, I would talk to the girls parents and express my liking and tell them that I would like to spend a little more time with the girl. The youth leaders can help with a date(maybe double date in the starting) and maybe even personal time with each other in a setting less prone to the fallacies of dating.. What happens here? There are safeguards. Parents are aware and provide their input and also praying. After a "short" time(one would never know the other person even after 50yrs of marriage), a the two would either decide that they want to be commited to each other or not. If not, they depart as friends and wait on God to bring someone else. If the choice is to make a commitment, praise God. Then continue the second phase where you would continue to build the relationship with marriage in the near or fixed future.
In all this, the two are depending on God in prayer and leading. They are exploring they motives with spiritual leaders/parents and this helps them to be sure of their decision. And as always, both respect each other spiritual well being and protect each other from physical, and emotional intimacy.
So, in other words your parents are more involved in coutship whereas, in dating you decide on your own. But if courtship does not always end up in commitment or marriage (which is similar to what happens in dating) then how are they different?!
ReplyDeleteThat anonymous person's question is very valid because right now i can't tell the which is which. The more i think about this the confusing it is. Aparently there's a very thin line that separates both dating & courtship.
ReplyDeletethis is so confusing.as in our culture even if you are dating. we people still try to avoid all that physical intimacy until marriage. not all but most people do.in some dating parents do get involve and are fine with it.in dating ur searching for tht one particular person and same in courtship too.
ReplyDeleteso courtship is dating?
Very valid and good questions. Good to see that you have thought about this and see the issues. I understand the confusion so let me try to clarify. One of the other reasons for the confusion is I never gave out the full notes on the subject in our group meeting. Will try to do that.
ReplyDeletea) Courtship and dating are two words used to distinguish what's the right way and what potentially a slippery road. For example, in 100AD, if one introduced himself as a christian everyone knew what that meant. Now the same person would probably introduce himself as a "believer" since christian might not fully clarify what he believes in.
b) If you are following the principles of courtship and call it dating - no problem - what in a word. The issue is the principles.
c) "Dating" is a very common word used by current generation. The worldly definition seems to be "going out for a dinner and maybe more than than". I know quite a few friends(makes you wonder what kind of company I keep) who have had physical relationships as part of dating and consider it essential. Hence the word coined "courtship" to distinguish it "dating".
d) Finally, courtship is a process to identify a partner for marriage and a process to prepare oneself for marriage after engagement.
e) Questions to ask if you should call it dating or courtship
1. Are you considering marriage?
2. Do you consider that singleness is a gift of God and not pursuing relationship before you are ready for marriage?
3. Are you seeking God's guidance to find out if the person is the right person for you?
4. Do you believe that heart is the most deceitful of all things and is easily led in the wrong direction if left on it's own? And hence you are involving Godly people to having them verify your motives/thoughts/attitudes/actions?
5. Are you able to walk away from the relationship if God shows you this is not the right person for you? (There will be emotional toll but hopefully one hasn't been too involved).
6. Are you concerned for the spiritual life of the other person and ensuring that you are not a snare to them?
7. Are you always meeting in group setting or public setting where you still get to spend time with each other and know each other yet no in the danger of getting too involved?
8. Are you constantly making sure that your are holy before God in the relationship?
9. Did you make a fixed time-line(6months to an year) to decide if this is the right person or else move on?
10. once the decision is made, do you have a fixed timeline to get married?
11. Are you still keeping your physical relationship pure even after the commitment is made?
12. Are you still making effort to keep your heart guarded even after the commitment is made?
If the answer to all of these are yes then it's courtship and it shows your dependence on God and not on your own wisdom. It might also sound like "no fun". if the answer to any of the questions is "No", then you are potentially in a danger place. Why? we need to go into more detail into scripture to see why.
I think it'll be good if we talk about this since there is a lot more to it than I can put here. We can explore the scriptures together and look into this. Feel free to comment though and we can definitely make an attempt on the blog in addition to discussing this in our youth group in the next few weeks.